Stay out of Sight

In 1953, I was three, when the state of Arizona decided to raid a little town of polygamist families in southern Utah.  The police broke into their homes at 3:00 in the morning.  The men were arrested and the children were put onto buses, to be taken away.  Their mothers refused to part with them and boarded the bus with their children.  Well-meaning people in Arizona, who perceived they were rescuing these “poor women and children”, were waiting to adopt the children and give them “a good life”.  

1953 3 yrs old

These families were simply living their religious beliefs, but because the current laws did not permit it, and the news media villainized it, they were constantly being threatened with imprisonment and disenfranchisement from society.  They had moved themselves to a remote part of the country with the hope that they would not be molested by the law.  They were, in essence living on the “underground”.  Even those living in cities, going to public school, lived as quietly (secretly) as possible.  We were such a family, living in Salt Lake City at the time.

When my parents got word of the raid, they panicked. They had heard that at least one of the women were also arrested and her ten children taken away, and placed into several different foster homes as wards of the state.  They didn’t know how far reaching this raid would be.  

My father and fourteen of his friends and relatives had spent time in prison in 1945 for polygamy.  He wasn’t afraid for himself, but the threat of his children being scattered and  his family torn apart, was more than he could bear.  He and mother decided to gather all of the children, and take them to the canyons for a while until they could assess the situation.  

My older sister woke me in the early hours of the morning.  I could feel the fear in her voice as she dressed me and helped me into the car.  “Where are we going?  What’s the matter?” I asked.  The car was parked right under the neighbor’s window.

“Shush!! If you wake the neighbors, they will call the police!  The police will take us away, and we may never see Mom and Dad again!”  That fear instilled in me a strong belief that I needed to be very quiet, in order to stay safe and to protect my entire family.  The monster under my bed was anyone with the ability to interfere in our family.  

I mostly kept to myself in public school.  As a child, I had nightmares of my little sister and I hiding in a covert under the street because we heard a siren.  We were sure they were looking for us to take us away.  As an adult, I had nightmares of policemen coming to my door to take away my babies, because I had chosen to live plural marriage.

I am flexible enough to accept life as it is, and forgiving enough to accept it as it has been.

The Spanking

Emotional wounds establish a core belief about yourself in relation to the world from an experience as an emotionally undeveloped  (open) psyche, or trauma that is not comprehended in innocence.  Innocence is childlikeness: free from expectations, attachments, beliefs, guile, judgement.  Humans are born premature, dependent on their environment.  Environment includes energies, food, belief systems, behaviors, attitudes, ways of being. ~ Dr. Gabor Matte’

My earliest recollection is what I would refer to many times in my healing process as “the spanking”.  I’m standing in the middle of a very large room alone, desperately searching for Mother, who is nowhere in sight.  Dad is holding my left arm tightly while spanking me with a rolled up newspaper.  “Stop crying!” his big voice booms out with each loud whack.  

I am two.  I have an earache.   Mother's way of handling a whining toddler is to turn them over to Dad. Now, the pain of the earache is minimal compared to the  humiliation of disappointing my father.  I feel so ashamed to let him down.  Something is very wrong with me!  I hold my lips together tightly, desperate to stop these awful  sounds.  I swallow the tears until my stomach feels sick.  The little noises inside my throat bring another loud whack.  I push the sound further down with all my might until my body becomes rigid.  I dare  not let the air out of my lungs.  I think if I hold my whole body tight enough, he will stop spanking me and telling me I'm bad.  Finally, the noise stops. 

I turn my head around to look at him, aching for that familiar hug I know is waiting for me and the reassurance of his kind voice.  I begin to relax, ready to fall into his loving arms when suddenly, out of nowhere, my body betrays me.  My head jerks with a whimper.  Whack! "You're still rebelling!" I am horrified, humiliated, and exhausted.  I can’t look him in the eye for the shame I feel.   I just want to run away and hide my face.  His strong arm is holding me tightly.  I have no choice but to hold my shame in silence.  The thoughts in my head are all I have left, leaving a huge void in my heart for self love. I am numb. I made a decision, as a two year old, to do whatever would please my parents and anyone else I saw as an authority figure. 

.     .     .     .

Spankings were very acceptable ways to discipline children in those days.  It was Dad's way of supporting Mother in never having to spank us.  All she had to do was give us “the look”.  We knew to respect and obey her.   I  logically, in my head, explained “the spanking” as his way of teaching me to be obedient.  If it worked on me, surely it would work on my children.

It’s astounding the many decisions we make as tiny children when something happens to us that we are not capable of understanding.  Logically, as an adult, I had no clue that this one incident would be the source of so many unconscious behaviors and reactions I would automatically turn to, in response to any other incident or dialogue that looked or felt remotely like “the spanking”.   I held unconscious beliefs about myself and my body, and held my body in disdain, as defective, believing that there was always something wrong with me, or that I did something wrong and God was punishing me.  That no matter how hard I tried to do something right, my body would betray me, or that I couldn’t quite pull it off.   It would manifest itself physically, emotionally, and spiritually until I became conscious enough to let it go.  These subconscious beliefs about myself became the source of many painful experiences based on some of my established beliefs built in shame.  

These beliefs became a persona (mask), something to hide behind to keep me safe.  A more familiar term is personality.  The question that was always hyper vigilant in my mind was, "What is expected of me to be safe, loved, and acceptable? "  If I didn't have the answer or perform the required task, I felt worthless, unworthy, rejected, ashamed, and humiliated.  

1952 two years old

• I had an intense need to know the rules, what was expected of me, or to have the answers.  It showed up in a know-it-all, self righteous, perfectionist addiction and an obsession and rigidity to know and keep the rules.
• Intense preparation in the form of researching and collecting information became my safety, my assurance that I was right, and I could prove it.  
• I was constantly trying to "fix" my body so it would stop hurting, or so I could have babies like other women. This showed up in a constant vigilance of the food I ate with a rigid discipline of eating healthy, which turned into a pattern of dieting, fasting, and bingeing.  
• I was driven to learn everything I could about obstetrics and several healing modalities including and finally, emotional healing, to try to make sense of whatever trauma I experienced.

How many times do we force our children to comply with our demands with little or no understanding of the effect it has on their psyche.  How can we approach our children with the same degree of respect we would ask for ourselves?  Where do we play this out as adults?  Are we capable of asking for respect from those we are in relationship with?  

The good news is that my response to these beliefs eventually developed into the pearls that bring me so much strength, courage, commitment, and Joy in my new awareness.

The solution does not come from the outside, it comes from within.

What About It?

As I gradually recognized the pain of trying to control the outcome of my life, of holding on to a dream that wasn't true for me, that was simply a conditioned belief; I finally arrived at this place of profound peace and ever new Bliss that comes from letting go, surrendering, trusting the process of life, and of savoring the Joy we are meant to experience.  

"From Joy we have come. In joy we live and move and have our being.  And in that sacred perennial joy we melt again."~ Bhagavad Gita 

"...men ARE that they might have JOY." ~ 2 Nephi 2:25   

2013 Life really is a dream.

I am now in a place of experiencing and appreciating heaven on earth, by practicing Loving what is, awareness, compassion, forgiveness, renewed innocence, integrity, and being with what is, in gratitude.  The journey of my life to nirvana then, is the   unwinding of what isn’t me, to what is.  I AM THAT I AM.  

My current Philosophy is that Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, and Free Will is the Law on this peculiar planet.

For me to be able to let go, surrender, and trust, I became aware of some basic principles of life as I see it, and keys to moving forward, that I will be sharing throughout my story, as follows:  

• Three basic levels of creation we participate in, in the physical realm. Gratitude is the key to moving forward in all things.
• Whatever we are conditioned to believe, or choose to believe, that is established in our subconscious mind, governs what we experience.
• Any Belief System (B.S.) can be a prison of the mind.  Living in the mystery of "What if?" goes beyond belief and opens all possibilities. 
• We experience life and create or react from instinctual, progressive psychological stages of the psyche.  These stages may possibly be mapped out in the Bible.
  
• Our humanity in duality wants to be honored and fully experienced. 
• We attract people and experiences to us, based on the vibration or frequency we hold ourselves in, and the lessons our soul wants to learn or is willing to receive.  Like attracts like. 
• What I refer to as "The Process of Life" can be recognized and understood in the patterns of history whether in the ancient writings, or witnessing nature herself, or looking back on our own personal journey.    
• All judgements are projections.  The outer world reflects our inner beliefs and dialogue.  The question here is "What is it in me, that I don't see the world as perfect?"
• Be a witness of what you judge, how you react or respond to each experience in each moment.  
• Meditation and dreams can provide insight into the world of the subconscious mind.  Self awareness, or being a witness of your thoughts and behavior can accelerate your healing through self correction.
• Listening really is the greatest act of love to yourself and others.
• Measurable steps through the three levels of co-creation for receiving bliss.

My passion is connecting soul to soul with others, with the intention of discovering our oneness.  I appreciate all the points of view, experiences, and insights of others on an authentic level.  In this way I have come to appreciate the beauty and richness of the process of life as it unfolds in an ever new horizon.  May the “Pearls” I’ve gathered along the way in my journey resonate in some way, so that our oneness may be realized in our human experience.

I am thankful for all of the experiences that have made me who I am

I would be honored to hear your points of view.  Feel free to leave comments.

Writing a Book? Oh My!

I kept having dreams about being in a gathering of people, needing to get something done, or clean up a big mess.  Everyone in the dream, including me, seemed not to be interested in engaging in the project.  They were just relaxing and usually eating. There was always a feeling that it was my responsibility to clean up or organize the stacks of whatever was lying about.  It felt overwhelming to me without someone's help.  Yet I knew the responsibility was mine.  Dreams tell us a lot about what is going on in the subconscious mind.  Information that is helpful in self discovery.

For the past fifteen years I keep hearing people request that I write a book about some of the things I've learned and philosophies I've obtained as a result of my Spiritual path.  I finally attempted preparing to write in 2010, and noticed a lot of resistance showing up within me as I gathered my myriad notes.  

It feels overwhelming because of how detailed I tend to be.  Then my head goes wild with stories about who would bother to read it after putting so much time and effort into it?  Will it be so detailed, people will be bored with it?  Who do I think I am to write a book?  

Success seems pretty frightening to most human beings. At the same time, the desire to pay forward the many pearls I've received from others who took the time to share what was given them, urges me on.  The encouragement from those who treasure those pearls in their lives speaks to me as well.  My intention is to write about the natural process of Life on Earth as I experience, and perceive it. 

I noticed myself doing a lot of avoidance drifting, allowing everything else to distract me, i.e. eating, visitors, video games, TV, or creating time consuming issues trying to clean up other projects so I can focus on this one.  Does any of this sound familiar?

1950 seven months old

With the assistance of my amazing soul sister, Marinna Siri, www.TheCoreInitiative.com  I came to realize the mess in the dream represented all the information I have been gathering since 2010, in preparation for my book. She also assisted me in recognizing a birth pattern of being stuck in the moment I am ready to launch a project.  Very similar to my own birth experiences.  

At my own birth, Mother was afraid to birth me with no assistance. Dad was out fetching the doctor 50 miles away.   She was all alone and I was coming fast.   They arrived barely in time to catch me.   

Then, giving birth to my babies, I experienced long and hard laboring with very little progress.   Sometimes the outcome was fraught with complications and/or 
complete failure.  

Completions free up my energies. Get going!