The Spanking

Emotional wounds establish a core belief about yourself in relation to the world from an experience as an emotionally undeveloped  (open) psyche, or trauma that is not comprehended in innocence.  Innocence is childlikeness: free from expectations, attachments, beliefs, guile, judgement.  Humans are born premature, dependent on their environment.  Environment includes energies, food, belief systems, behaviors, attitudes, ways of being. ~ Dr. Gabor Matte’

My earliest recollection is what I would refer to many times in my healing process as “the spanking”.  I’m standing in the middle of a very large room alone, desperately searching for Mother, who is nowhere in sight.  Dad is holding my left arm tightly while spanking me with a rolled up newspaper.  “Stop crying!” his big voice booms out with each loud whack.  

I am two.  I have an earache.   Mother's way of handling a whining toddler is to turn them over to Dad. Now, the pain of the earache is minimal compared to the  humiliation of disappointing my father.  I feel so ashamed to let him down.  Something is very wrong with me!  I hold my lips together tightly, desperate to stop these awful  sounds.  I swallow the tears until my stomach feels sick.  The little noises inside my throat bring another loud whack.  I push the sound further down with all my might until my body becomes rigid.  I dare  not let the air out of my lungs.  I think if I hold my whole body tight enough, he will stop spanking me and telling me I'm bad.  Finally, the noise stops. 

I turn my head around to look at him, aching for that familiar hug I know is waiting for me and the reassurance of his kind voice.  I begin to relax, ready to fall into his loving arms when suddenly, out of nowhere, my body betrays me.  My head jerks with a whimper.  Whack! "You're still rebelling!" I am horrified, humiliated, and exhausted.  I can’t look him in the eye for the shame I feel.   I just want to run away and hide my face.  His strong arm is holding me tightly.  I have no choice but to hold my shame in silence.  The thoughts in my head are all I have left, leaving a huge void in my heart for self love. I am numb. I made a decision, as a two year old, to do whatever would please my parents and anyone else I saw as an authority figure. 

.     .     .     .

Spankings were very acceptable ways to discipline children in those days.  It was Dad's way of supporting Mother in never having to spank us.  All she had to do was give us “the look”.  We knew to respect and obey her.   I  logically, in my head, explained “the spanking” as his way of teaching me to be obedient.  If it worked on me, surely it would work on my children.

It’s astounding the many decisions we make as tiny children when something happens to us that we are not capable of understanding.  Logically, as an adult, I had no clue that this one incident would be the source of so many unconscious behaviors and reactions I would automatically turn to, in response to any other incident or dialogue that looked or felt remotely like “the spanking”.   I held unconscious beliefs about myself and my body, and held my body in disdain, as defective, believing that there was always something wrong with me, or that I did something wrong and God was punishing me.  That no matter how hard I tried to do something right, my body would betray me, or that I couldn’t quite pull it off.   It would manifest itself physically, emotionally, and spiritually until I became conscious enough to let it go.  These subconscious beliefs about myself became the source of many painful experiences based on some of my established beliefs built in shame.  

These beliefs became a persona (mask), something to hide behind to keep me safe.  A more familiar term is personality.  The question that was always hyper vigilant in my mind was, "What is expected of me to be safe, loved, and acceptable? "  If I didn't have the answer or perform the required task, I felt worthless, unworthy, rejected, ashamed, and humiliated.  

1952 two years old

• I had an intense need to know the rules, what was expected of me, or to have the answers.  It showed up in a know-it-all, self righteous, perfectionist addiction and an obsession and rigidity to know and keep the rules.
• Intense preparation in the form of researching and collecting information became my safety, my assurance that I was right, and I could prove it.  
• I was constantly trying to "fix" my body so it would stop hurting, or so I could have babies like other women. This showed up in a constant vigilance of the food I ate with a rigid discipline of eating healthy, which turned into a pattern of dieting, fasting, and bingeing.  
• I was driven to learn everything I could about obstetrics and several healing modalities including and finally, emotional healing, to try to make sense of whatever trauma I experienced.

How many times do we force our children to comply with our demands with little or no understanding of the effect it has on their psyche.  How can we approach our children with the same degree of respect we would ask for ourselves?  Where do we play this out as adults?  Are we capable of asking for respect from those we are in relationship with?  

The good news is that my response to these beliefs eventually developed into the pearls that bring me so much strength, courage, commitment, and Joy in my new awareness.

The solution does not come from the outside, it comes from within.